So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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