New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
