the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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