I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize