we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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