did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
