plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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