i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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