me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
