I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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