my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
