i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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