I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
