WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
