She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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