You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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