I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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