I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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