if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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