He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
