I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
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