My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
