You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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