So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
