Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize