i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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