just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
