I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
