I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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