In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
