my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
