I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
do herpes really smell.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
