That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
