Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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