Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
