You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
