so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
