Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
