okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
