Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
