1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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