I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just cropdusted the office
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
