I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
