Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Randomize
