oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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