If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
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