please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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