she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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