1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
