Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
