I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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