I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
