Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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