Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
