peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
