turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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