Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
