well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
