My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
