just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
do herpes really smell.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
