Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
