he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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