This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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