I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
