Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
