I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
