I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
