Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
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