I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
