I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
