Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
