She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
