You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
