I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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